A Family Of Abusers
by Jessie B.
The abuse started just after I was born. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused until I was 19. I was abused by my parents, my aunt and uncle and my grandparents. When my parents fought and my mom would leave, my dad would force me to have sex with him. During the summers my parents would send me to my grandparents’ house and my grandfather would force me to crawl over to him and perform oral sex on him daily.
They would also send me to my uncles' house and sometimes they received gifts from him so I could go. When we would get to his house he would force me into his bedroom and rape me. If I said no or cried he would beat me mercilessly. I was never allowed to make any noise or struggle or fight him or tell him no without being beaten or hurt worse. He tied me up most times and hurt me so bad. He raped me over and over. When he was finished he would force me to take baths or showers and he would watch me. Then he would drag me out into the living room or in his bedroom and he would force me to strip and he would beat me with his belt and belt buckle, or whatever was handy, then he would drag me into a closet and tie me up and leave me in there for hours. While I was with him he would sell me to other men for money and beer, sometimes he would host BBQ's and I would be his friends' entertainment. He would receive beer and other things so they could have the evenings with me. I was told that if I didn't please them the way I did him I would be punished. I was gang-raped over and over during those nights. He brought my aunt in and she started abusing me. He taught her how to hurt me and enjoy it. They knew how to hurt me without leaving very many bruises.
When I would go home my dad would rape me and then my mom started in on me. She would touch me and rape me and then blame me for making her do those things. She would call me names and slap me. Then she would act like nothing ever happened. She took me to the doctors several times for pelvic pain, etc., and when they said they needed to examine me my mom would refuse and then we would leave the doctors.
No one ever helped me. If I gave my opinion or expressed myself in any way I would get slapped or my parents would pull my pants down and whip me with a belt or a 1 inch piece of oak. I was always threatened with pain or death if I ever told anyone about the abuse. I was always told that what happens in the family stays in the family. There are some things that to this day I have not been able to share or express with anyone.
I reported the abuse in December of 2009. I was just told recently that they are dropping the case because it involves too many people and it is just too messy and that it is not a winnable case. I used self-harm as a coping mechanism and have just recently stopped. I still live in fear because he is out there and now knows where I work and the restraining order I have against him ends soon. I have no closure with my past and now I have a little sister that is 6 who is now in the same situation I was in. The law is stating they can't help her unless she speaks to them herself but she is too scared. I did my best to help her and it wasn't enough. I never used drugs or alcohol because I saw what it did to my family. My uncle is an alcoholic and my mother was addicted to pain medication and my dad worked most of the time and when he was home he would abuse me.
I have no contact with most of my birth family at this point in my life. I would always pray that God would take me home and remove me from this world. But He had other plans for me. I have since started going to a church where I am learning what real love is and growing closer to my Savior. I believe that God saved me for a greater purpose then what I can see now. I have found hope and love. I want to share my story and tell others that there is hope. I always use to think that I was alone but God has shown me that He has always been there and He has never left me. I have been seeing a counselor for two and a half years and I am on the journey to healing. If you have been abused you are not alone. There is always hope. I know what it is like to have my voice silenced and life threatened. I am finding my voice and I pray that someday I can be a voice for others who have never been able to have a voice.