I Hurt Daily

I am now 27 yrs old, but I have a story of when I was a child growing up. Both of my parents were drug addicts, but my mother didn’t start until later on. When I was 10, I remember hearing her say "well if I can’t get him to stop then I’ll start it with him to keep track of how much he does." But even sober for the first 10 years of my life (and on) she was verbally and physically abusive. My brother and I would get dishes and spatulas thrown at our heads, and beaten with them. My mother had a paddle too that they would beat us with when we were bad. It’s for our own good they would say. When I turned 13 I started getting brave and standing up for myself, only to learn I would be beaten more. Once my mother chased me around the house with two butcher knives, telling me she was going to kill me. When she caught me she stood over me with the knives in my face, one pressed to my neck and said to me “You are worthless, I never wanted you. I had a miscarriage with what was supposed to be my first child and I got you instead. If you so much as breathe in my direction the next time I will have your grave ready young lady." So, from that moment I was literally afraid of my mother. I ran away several times and tried to find ways for CPS to get involved so they would take us. It never worked though, she always fooled them and I got beat as soon as they walked out the door.

Now, I am a proud mother of a beautiful baby boy. He does not know my mother, nor will he ever. I could never imagine putting him through the pain I went though even for a second, with her. I hurt daily; I now have mental issues including, bipolar and PTSD. I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, and I don’t trust anyone. My medication keeps me level enough to maintain in society though. I have stopped blaming her for my life now, I have forgiven...BUT the pain and memories will always be there, haunting me... forever!!


CFC# 11571