Still Living With Pain

I am 39 years old and still live with issues from my childhood. My father never said he loved us, I guess he just assumed we knew. It seemed like whatever I did was wrong and deserved a punishment. I've been knocked over by furniture, chained to a tree, hit because something happened and he figured it was my fault. (Many, many times I had nothing to do with whatever it was that set him off.) My step mother was not as bad, but followed my father's footsteps pretty close. I moved in with my dad when I was 12, after leaving my mother. (My brother and I left; he was 14 at the time.) I kept a close relationship with my mother which caused problems between me and my dad, even to this day. My mom was diagnosed with Bi-Polar when she was young. I was also diagnosed with it in my early 30's. During my teens, I was hospitalized 3 times for "unknown mental distress" which turned out to be Bi-Polar and dual personality disorder. On my 26th birthday, my mother committed suicide and my life has been in turmoil ever since. My wife and son feel I've gotten over it but it's a front to get her to leave me alone and to prevent my son from seeing me upset.  

Not a day goes by that I don't think about committing suicide to end years and years of pain, as my mother did. I've been hospitalized a total of 5 times since my mother's death for attempting suicide and Bi-Polar problems. I often wish my father would have just hit me a little harder and I wouldn't be here today, debating if and how I should pass on. The only thing that keeps me going is my wife and son; I just can't do to them what my mother did to me.

I want to help people that go through this sort of thing. I want to help them get out of this type of situation and start seeking help. No one should go through life feeling such endless pain.


CFC# 11571