Suppressed for Too Long

It was just recently that I opened up to my family about what had happened years ago.  My father passed when I was 4, my mother worked abroad when I was 6, then moved us halfway around the world to be with her and her husband when I was 12. Everything was fine for months, it was as if it was Christmas, we got to be with our mom and we got a new father.  Then one day, his true form came out. 

My mom was at work as usual, he took me and my sister to the laundry mat while waiting for the clothes to dry. My sister went inside to check as he caressed my neck with his fingers then started to touch my nipples and softly telling me not to tell my mom.  I felt this weird excitement as if I liked the feeling and I felt guilty at the same time for liking it - but later I found out it was my body's natural reaction to astimulation it doesn't mean I liked what had happen. 

He didn't touch me again until years later, but he was always loving towards me in that it would seem to my mom that he loved me as his own child.  It wasn’t until my mom's aunt asked me if he had touched me that she suspected things were not normal, at this time I had not come to terms what had happened so I lied and I felt more guilty as if everything was my fault.  I was always angry. 

As I approached my teen years I felt like I wasn’t allowed to do things because he wanted me for himself, and all my mom could see was that he was overprotective of me. But he did it again, I was 16 at this time when he was by the stairs and he asked me to sit next to him to talk, then he started to massage my neck.  I wanted to get away but my body was in shocked I couldn't move.  He moved his hands from massaging my neck downward, and my innocence had been taken away.  Saved by the bell, my step brother came up the stairs and he stopped, leaving me to run away from him. 

Ever since then, I always have had my doors locked in fear he would enter.  He would purposely come to the house ringing the bell even though he had keys so I would open the door. One time he grabbed my face and kissed me and tried to stick his tongue down my throat, it was disgusting and ran away from him, but it seems every time, he would lead my mom to believe I was an ungrateful lazy girl who didn't want to do things like open the door.  Who wants to open the door when you might be dragged into something you don't want to do.  I have kept this a secret from everyone since I have suppressed this events but it has lead me to be always angry and have not fully connected with a partner of my own.  I am now 30, married with children, but there are times I am not myself and feel angry with the world since they don't understand. Hating everything I have and have accomplished.  Then I feel guilty that it is not fair to them either.  At the same time feel saddened that my mom is still with this person, I feel that she does not believe what I went through.  I cry to myself, praying to the God and asking him why.

At times I find the courage to rise up again and say to myself, there is a reason for everything, I am stronger now because of what I went through.  I can forgive but I will not be stupid enough to FORGET.


CFC# 11571