I sit in silence, tears streaming down my face. I’m alone with my thoughts though I shouldn’t be because I always end up like this. I think back and feel a sense of accomplishment, I survived four years of abuse in my own house. I survived a suicide attempt, I can smile again, I live my life like tomorrow’s the end. Yet, the scars are still there. In the past I cried myself to sleep because of the horrific memories I had, but today, five years after it ended, I cry because it still affects me. I have moved on or so I think, I have forgiven the man who killed my spirit, took my innocence, and stole my childhood.
I look in the mirror and I see someone who was a victim by fate but a survivor by choice and that person is beautiful in her own special way. I’ve moved on from the scared teen who tried to take her life, rather than live through another day with the pain consuming her very being, to an adult who believes life is what you make it so make it great!
Will I ever be totally free? I’m free physically, moved out of my house at 18 and started my life alone, working and studying, but will I ever really be free?
I look at different aspects of my life and notice that they are very much affected by my past, though I let the past be the past. Love and trust are so foreign to me at 21 years old. Yet so many people tell me there’s nothing wrong with me and to “give it time.”
And that’s when I know they are right. YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF OVER TO TIME AS NOTHING ELSE AND NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAL YOU! It seems difficult in the beginning, but through adversity you find strength. No one can make your life the way you want it, but you. If you give up and dwell on the monster which raped your soul, then you have dug the grave for yourself while those abusers killed you. It doesn’t go away immediately, the experience stains your brain and you may never be the same, but you’re alive and you can make your life different from your past.
We are all stronger than we even know.