You forced yourself on me, along with your touch.
I pleaded for you to stop, but you still wouldn’t get off.
I closed my eyes tightly, wishing I were somewhere else.
Wishing someone had been here to help.
But I was on my own, with you as company.
You were supposed to have been taking care of me.
I guess in your own way, you did…
As a child, I figured I must’ve done something wrong to deserve
I must have misbehaved.
Or have said a nasty swear word,
To have been punished this way.
Since then, time has passed
But I can still feel your cold lips,
And the rough touch of your hands
Why did you do this to me, throughout all those years?
I wanted to cry when it happened,
But you didn’t like tears.
So I held everything in,
While feeling so tainted inside.
I trusted you; I believed in you…
But I guess that didn’t cross your mind
So what did you do?
You took my childhood away,
My innocence, my sense of security,
Just to get a little piece of me.
I wrote this a few years back, after I had finally gotten the courage to tell someone about the abuse. I was 5 when the abuse first started, and it didn’t stop till I was 9. It started out as a harmless game, that’s when he started touching me. My big brother. I really looked up to him, and he was the only person I really trusted. My parents didn’t abuse us or anything they just weren’t reliable. I looked up to my big brother, but I knew, or I felt that what he was doing to me was wrong. The one time I actually fought back, it didn’t go so well. I told him to stop, then I ran away but he went after me. He then pushed me on the bed, and well, the rest can be figured on its own. I’ve gone to 5 different therapists, 2 psychiatrists, and 2 behavioral centers. I’ve thought about killing myself more times than I can count, tried 3 times, and was cutting myself for 3 years.
I had never really believed in God. I figured if He was so powerful, if He really did love us all as much as everyone said, He would’ve stopped the abuse along with other’s abuses as well. I was so filled with anger at that time. The sadness of being betrayed by my brother had quickly turned into a deep anger. When I had started therapy I had such a hard time talking about what had happened. Every time my therapist tried to help me talk about it I started to cry and was not able to speak anymore. I have also always been extremely shy. Through writing I managed to tell my story, and release some of the feelings. Through writing I found my voice, and also managed to restore my faith in God.
I discovered this website while doing a research paper for school on child abuse (my chosen topic). I decided to join. Even though I still have anger about the abuse, I want to let it go, and forgive my brother. I still love him with all my heart, and miss him dearly. With my experience I want to help other children overcome child abuse. I want them to know that it’s ok to be angry, or to feel sad. But they need to know that they’re not alone. It’s important they know that life goes on, and that even though they were abused or neglected by someone, that there are still many good people out there. I would love to help them see this.